Wed 23/11/22
Been a while y'all. Very strange to read the below following the complete degeneration of my relationship with my boss. Still got a job for the time being, but deffo need to get looking. Maybe even getting back into coding! I haven't had the time to develop further but redoing my site reminded me how fun this is!
Got people round for Thanksgiving. The one good thing about this job is the people I have been working with and I want to maintain some of the friendships I have built. It will always be bittersweet. I was so ill when I started, and this job did help to build my confidence in many areas. Only problem, is my boss is a prick.
Wed 6/7/22
I have been AWOL for a while, but having a full time job will do that for you. I have also been promoted and given more responsability. I had my first on site management job today. Aced it, made a great impression, and improved my company's reputation. A good capitalism was done today! (we live in a society and I got rent to pay and a fur baby to feed.)
I fear I had already given enough info by saying I got a job. I havent even said anything that contriversal on this website, but the omnipresent fear of being "canceled" is not without basis. You can never appease the unappeasable. Life is short, I do plan on keeping it that way, so cheers y'all. I am having a beer to celebrate the success of my first manageral gig!
Fri 17/6/22
I got a job! After my breakdown and emotional disturbance after the progesterone coil fucked me, I was worried I wouldn't function again. I'll take a break from med school, work on myself, and figure stuff out. Finally starting to look up!
Tue 14/5/22
I am feeling pretty rough, recieved my report, read it, had a bit of a breakdown. Need to do some life admin and not be a baby about it. Got to do a bit of work on myself and then I will still be austistic, but at least I wont be setting myself up for failure but not knowing anything about it.
Wed 8/6/22
People are so odd these days. So many words and ways to shut down a single thought. Misinformation and intellectual ignorence. Assume hate if you must, but at least engage with what I have said. Most people are lovely, exceptionally so. I am sorry people are so ready to assume the most vile things about others. I hope one day they have peace, or whatever it is they want.
Thu 26/5/22
The report into the UK governments "party culture" has come out. What a suprise, they did not give a shit. They got drunk, were rude to custodial staff, and just laughed at us. Fuck the NHS, fuck the sacrifices my friends and I have made. Sod our mental health, fuck the people who could not attend funerals of their loved ones. We have been told to "move on" and that Boris will not resign.
Call a general election if you wont resign you coward. Have you not made enough money off our suffering? You are no statesman, you are a fraud and pathetic creature. We pity your lack or morals, your lack of a god damn backbone. Its embarassing. I have so much love for my country and our people, and we deserve better. We deserve civil servents who serve the public, not those who line their own pockets while food banks use increases. Demon policies.
Sun 22/5/22
Had my second to last assessment yesterday. Next week I will be diagnosed. They also wanted me to do an ADHD screening questionaire. Thats fun.
Went to the shops today, needed to get my partner some new glasses. Very exciting errand. We were planning on getting lunch at a small italian cafe, but the local fotball club was having a match and the "lads" were out. It is crazy to me that the UK is fighting to get protests criminalised due to being a "disturbence of the peace" but these fuckers are allowed to terroise the streets. I hate football with a passion. The increase in violence (especially domestic violence) during large games, who cares, it is not that deep you losers. I love the UK, but we are awful.
Mon 16/22
Was travelling over the weekend to a wedding. It was one of my partners cousin's getting married, and it was lovely. The ceremony was in a beautiful castle on the Scottish border. Very stunning and romantic. Wishing the happy couple all the best.
It was also lovely to see my partner's family. Hadn't had the chance to see them in almost 10 months because of work and life shit. His family seem to enjoy each others comapny in a normal, healthy way. Wild compared to the feral bellends that are my family. I am morbidly excited for our wedding, when the culture clash happens!
8/5/22
Went with some friends to a science museum near us. The gift shop was closed, so it was already looking like a poor show. The exibition was utter bunk. Very post modern and artsy. I wanted to learn about tree roots and vasculature! Instead we had a seris of orgy tapestries, a hallucinagen exibit (that you could not partake in and did not have infomation on the psychadelics, just interpretations of being on them. We have all been to that party, it is not fun to be the one not on drugs while someone talks utter crap at you.) The emporior wears no clothes! Very poorly advertised.
Having some time to process yesterday, I feel more comfortable taking up space with the label autistic. This is more of a werid authority thing, because I have suspected I have been autistic for 2 years, but to have an offical diagnosis... wild.
7/5/22
I had my ADOS assessment today. A Taskmaster autism assessment. After I asked about the likleyhood of an autism diagnosis. Was told I meet all the diagnostic criteria, but they want to do a bit more looking into my medical history to see if it is with PTSD/CPTSD.
It is validating to hear after all these years. It also puts into perspective just how fucked everything else has been in my life. My family had suspitions, they saw me struggling, and activly discouraged getting a diagnosis as a child because they assumed if I had a diagnosis, I wouldn't achieve anything. Rude. Instead I get to wonder why I am not getting this life lark, while being told I am just broken. My mum literally called me broken last weekend. I am not broken you freakin nutters, I am completly normal within the autistic exsperince. I mean, whatever the heck normal means, I am generally talking about being within a normal distribution.
The assessment isn't over yet. I still have one more session, then the final "diagnosis" meeting. I should know for sure by the end of May. I still don't know if getting a diagnosis is the right thing for my medical carrier, but only time will tell. We live in a society and all that.
Tue 3/5/22
I spent some time with my family over the weekend. It was the usual nightmare hellscape, but it was motivating. I'll be successful to spite them. I am becoming better at just not careing. Or at least the sick feelings of guilt disapate quicker. Nothing I do will be good enough, but I don't need their approval. I am feeling more in control of my life. I fucking love prozac.
Tue 26/4/22
British reality TV of the 2010s is absolutly wild. I have been watching clips on Youtube from Big Fat G***y Wedding. That and Benifits Street. The British public hate the poor and for a "short" period of time, we were all allowed to point and laugh at those less fourtunate.
The Youtuber Jorden Theresa has made a very articulate video essay on the topic. Growing up on benifits, with an unemplyed mother, and then going into medicine, it fucks with your head. Most students going into medicine do not understand what it is like to worry about being kicked out because rent is late. That is a good thing, but they can never understand the why a patient won't just stop doing unhealthy things when a patient's life is in such a fine balance of making ends meet as it is. A meritocracy is a lie, they want to keep us down. Eat them.
Mon 25/4/22
Another week, quickly approaching May. At least 2022 feels slightly more positive then 2021, whether that is true will probably be discussed in sociology classes in 20 years. I wish to live in boring times. I also know that is not the way world works and we are all just going to keep muddling on until we muddle off. At least we don't all die of dysentry anymore. I mean not in places with sanitised water facilities, which is awesome, but fucked that it is not a universal thing on this planet. Humans suck.
On a different note, people are just wild. Maybe it is my probable autism, but the state of social media and just interacting with people online has become such a god damn nightmare. Most likely a massive boomer take, but one malaigned thought, and the whole person is trash. Blergh, also the casual normalisation of misogny on every fucking social media site is tiring. At least there is no character limit, so I can ramble on and still not make a coherent thought happen.
Wed 20/4/22
It's 420 my dudes, except I live in the UK, so this date format is less lol-worthy. The one time the American date system is not an absolute clusterfuck. Also this is coming from someone who grew up in America, and then moved the UK. For about a week as a child, I was confused and thought my birthday was in December just because it happens to fall on the 12th of a month. I was a stupid child, but we all were at some point.
Tue 19/4/22
Actually reached out to friends to meet up during the week. With the fog of depression lifting, I dont feel like a complete drain to be around, and therfore can socalise. I don't know if I have it the wrong way round, and that you need to go out to feel better, but I'll take what I can get in terms of incrimental mood improvements.
Having kinda got the hang of HTML and CSS, I think the stage will be Javascript. I usually dont like to spend time doing something unless I see a direct reason to. For example, spending time knitting could be spent studying, so I should do that. But then I don't improve in my knitting and it seems even more pointless. While I'm depressed, I am not using that time to study, just wasting away in my office watching Youtube. So actually learning enough HTML and CSS to make this, and actually putting it out there feels pretty cool and I want to learn more. This has not translated into me wanting to pick up the medicine textbooks though...
Mon 18/4/22
Prozac is great. Maybe, it is probably too early to tell. Havn't sobbed uncontrollably for 5 whole days. Still no clue about what to do with my life, but at least I am doing something productive. Something to put on the CV. Probably should address my need to feel productive in order to have value, but therapy is expensive enough as it is.